Grade: DNF
Hotness Level: Inferno
Kink Level: No Kink
Genre: Contemporary
Published: 8/11/14
Reviewed by Anne
288 pages

I don’t DNF (Did Not Finish) a book very often at all.  It was especially disappointing that it happened now.  This book had a lot going for it.  For starters, the premise certainly caught my attention: Mia’s lingerie shop needs a big sales boost to save it from going under.  She and her partner decide on the idea of picking a spokespenis/spokesmodel and making dildos cast from his penis to sell in their store.  And what better way to pick the spokespenis than to try out five different models and choose your favorite?

The first glitch she runs into is one she doesn’t even recognize.  While she’s waiting for applicant number one, Oliver approaches her.  When he realizes she’s been stood up, he decides to go with the flow and pretend to be whoever she’s waiting for.

The book (at least as far as I read) had some enjoyable humor in it, but things went downhill fast.  Here’ are some notes I made while reading, Goodreads updates, and texts to Kate:  (book text in italics, my comments in regular font)

Page 3: spokespenis  Funny!

Page 12: And so far it hasn’t been all that orgasmic  Then you’re doing it wrong!

Page 13: spokespenis  Funny!

Page 14: “Only a real live vagina can get the data we need to do this right.”  Ok, I’m starting to like this – vaginas and data!

Page 15: waiting in a bar for Penis Number One to arrive Funny!

Page 21: “Mia opened the door and led him up to the third floor.  No turning back once she took him inside.  To her bed.  To test out his penis.” Funny!

Page 23: “Okay, so, I’ll need you to just kinda lay there and let me do what I need to, um…do.  Okay?”

“Sure, but shouldn’t I get a condom?”

“Wasn’t this already explained to you?  I need to see how you feel without any barriers.  We did the screening and we’re both healthy and disease-free, so it’s all good.”  Um.  No.  Not all good.  Lying at this point is pretty unforgivable, unless he just happens to have a test at home… (this is never mentioned again!)

Page 27: “Are you seriously telling me you had sex with this gorgeous man and didn’t have an orgasm?”

“I thought the point was to test it out and see how it felt.  Make sure it was the right size and girth and whatever.  I thought I was supposed to retain some sort of professionalism.”

“Seriously?  We’re going into the dildo business.”  Funny!

Page 40: “Oliver would not be celebrating this marriage.  He’d smile and do all the things a groom is supposed to do, but being happy about it?  Nope.”  What?!? He’s engaged?  WTF?

Goodreads update: Ugh. The “hero” is engaged to someone else, and we find this out after he has sex with the heroine. No. This makes me angry!”

Page 51: The thought of her with someone else made him feel as if his intestines were being yanked out through his chest.

An engaged guy shouldn’t be jealous that a woman he just met was having sex with another man.  But he sure as hell was.  OK, I’m reading on, but I really need her (Mia) to be thoroughly pissed that he cheated on his fiancée with her!

Page 51:  And in the high society they’d grown up in, an easy way to secure one [a proposal] was an unplanned pregnancy.  Nobody dared announce a bundle was on the way without a ring on that finger. Ew.

Page 51:  He might be working for this company…  Really?  He thinks he might go through with being the spokespenis?  Well, I guess that might be scandal enough to break his engagement?

Page 52: Was Mia in danger of losing her shop, her job?  He couldn’t let that happen.  Seriously?  Why would he care?

Page 53: …he suspected the pregnancy might not even be real. Excuse me, there are ways of checking on that.  And if she was so awful, why have sex with her.  Ugh.

Page 55:  And maybe, if he annoyed her enough, she’d leave him.  Problem solved.  Not really solved if she’s pregnant!

Page 70: Having him in any capacity would most likely end badly and she couldn’t risk putting the shop…  How would it risk the shop to have a relationship with him if he wasn’t an employee?  This is nonsense.

Page 80: “Hey.  When’s your next prenatal appointment?”

“I don’t know.  Why?”

“I want to go with you.”

He thought he saw a brief moment of panic in her reflection.  She turned to him.  “Why?”

“Isn’t that something dads-to-be do?”

“Maybe, but that’s not how I’m doing it.  I don’t want anyone there with me.  It’s a doctor’s appointment.  It’s private.”

There’s a red flag, and he just lets it go!

Page 90: “Have dinner with me tomorrow night.  I’ll take you on a real date.” Really?  What about your pregnant fiancée?

Page 92:”…Eww.  I can’t be married to some low-class Chippendales wanna-be.”… “I don’t care.”If he didn’t really care he should break things off.  He’s an ass.

Page 93:  Why couldn’t he just tell her he didn’t want to marry her?

He knew why.  The miniscule chance in the back of his head that maybe she was telling the truth about the baby. …  He had to find out for sure, before this went too much further. This is stupid.  Marrying her would bring a lot more drama than having a baby out of wedlock.  And he’s cheating!  Scummy!

Page 103:… he was a jackass for keeping it hidden.  Holy hell if she ever found out. Uh, yeah, he’s a total jackass.

Goodreads update: Alright. I’m going to dnf this one. I’m on p. 100 of ~260 and Oliver still hasn’t told Mia about his fiancee. And instead of manning up and breaking up with his fiancee, he just tries to be so awful that she’ll dump him. His fiancee is written as a one dimensional bad guy. She’s probably lying about a pregnancy, she’s shallow, lazy, and manipulative. And he has no problem having unprotected sex with Mia. Ugh.

Email to Kate:  I really hated this book.

So, that’s all I’ve got.  I’d say stay away from this book, unless you can work with cheating.  Disappointing.